PHILIP
“How are you doing this fine morning?”

TONY
“OK I guess, all things considered. No kiddin’, you gotta love this weather.”

TONY (to a lady who’s just parked her car nearby)
“Ma’am, the ticket cop will be by here in about 5 minutes — that’s the parking machine you want right over there.”

LADY
“Oh, thank-you. That’s good to know.”

TONY
“Yup, especially now that they’ve raised the fines to $40 minimum. That’s major coin.”

TONY
“Did I tell you about the cop who asked me if I needed her to find me a place to sleep other night? I was just up the road, actually near the place where I got that ticket a few weeks back. So this cruiser from 11 Division comes down Ronces, and it stops in front of me and the cop opens her window and asks if I need a bed. So I tell her thanks but it’s no problem, and I tell her I appreciate her asking me. And she tells me back something like: ‘Come on Tony, you’re the law’s eyes and ears when we’re not around … of course we’re gonna care about you.’

“Now that’s a decent cop for you.”

PHILIP
“You’re looking a bit pale this morning.”

TONY

“I’m sure I am. So, here’s my question to you for this morning. See if you can guess why a cop evicted me from a park last night?”

PHILIP
“OK I give up.”

TONY
“Some lady didn’t like that I was snoring so loud in the park. Seems her cat tore right through the window screen because of all the noise I was making. So she called the cops. She even wants me to pay for a new window screen for her.

“I never knew that it was against the law to snore too loud but it is.”

PHILIP
“C’mon, you’re just making this up, right?”

TONY
“No word of a lie, Phil. It’s what actually happened.”

PHILIP
“Did you check out the papers about Barack Obama?”

TONY
“Maybe America is going to get another chance if this guy wins their elections.”

TONY
“Remember it told you I was going to do my laundry? Well, look what happened.”

PHILIP
“Wow. That lady just gave you five bucks.”

TONY
“I see her a couple of times a month and she’s always got something for me.”

PHILIP
“So are you going to use that money for lunch?”

TONY
“Nope, I’m going up to the laundromat. These clothes are just too dirty.”

Here’s Tony’s “Standing While Homeless” (aka SWH) ticket from last week. I had said it was for $96; it’s actually for $65.
Philip

TONY
“Check out my new jacket with a royal colour?”

PHILIP
“Where from?”

TONY
“I was working a the car wash on Dundas, you know the one just up there and I was drying cars. So the supervisor gave it to me. Pretty good, eh?”

TONY
“A cop gave me a ticket yesterday.”

PHILIP
“For what? For being homeless?”

TONY
“Almost. I was standing at the top of the street and this cruiser stopped and the cop gave me a ticket. She said I was panhandling near a bank machine which was an offence. So I asked if I could at least get a warning first, since I didn’t know about the law but he officer didn’t budge at all.

“So today a friend tells me that CFRB radio said that a lot of street people had been ticketed recently for all sorts of things. The guy on the radio said that it costs way more to lock folks up than the city will ever collect in fines. No kidding! I mean, where am I going to find the ninety-six bucks anyway?”

PHILIP
“Can I get you a coffee?”

TONY
“No thanks, I’m just fine.”

PHILIP
“Do you want something else?”

TONY
“No thanks, Phil — I don’t really need anything right now.”

TONY
“Hey Phil, it’s spring!”

PHILIP
“How did your court appearance go yesterday [April 9th]?”

TONY
“Well you’ll never believe it. I went into the wrong courtroom and they were in the middle of picking a jury for some trial. Now you can’t leave a courtroom while they’re picking a jury so I had to stay put, even though I knew I was supposed to be at my trial in another courtroom. So I finally get to leave the room once the jury pickings’s done, and one of the court officers comes up to me and tells me that my judge went and issued a bench warrant because I was a no-show.”

PHILIP
“So …?”

TONY
“Well of course I explained what happened to me and there were few people right there who could vouch for my story. So the court officer brought me ’round to the judge and I explained the same thing to him and he heard from a few witnesses who’d seen me in the other courtroom. So the judge right away cancelled my bench warrant. He was fair and there was no problems after that. But I’ve got to go back to court again in a few weeks. It just never seems to end.”

Tony was the subject of a professional photo shoot over the weekend, by a widely-admired photographer, Jim Allen. Look for Jim’s photos of Tony in the next issue of Irked Magazine.

Philip

PHILIP
“Would you like an afternoon coffee?”

TONY
“How about instead you get me a can of pasta sauce with some meat in it?  I’m trying to get some pasta organized for dinner tonight.”

TONY
“That Earth Hour the other day was a great thing to do but I didn’t have any lights to turn off, if you know what I mean.”

PHILIP
“Wow, you look really pissed off; I hope it’s not something I did; I wouldn’t want to be on your bad side when you’re looking the way you do right now.”

TONY
“No way, you’d hear from me about anything like that, that’s for sure.”

It’s my friend I’ve been telling you about. So he gets his welfare cheque, he promises me, he really promises me that he’s gonna use the money to feed himself and get a room. Next thing you know, he’s spend it all on crack and he’s got nothing left. Probably got 3 eight-balls with the dough. Now of course he wants me to help him. How’s he gonna get out of his situation if he can’t be a bit responsible, you know what I mean?”

TONY
“Hey Phil, did I show you my friend Elmo’s a great guy for holding my cigarette? Doesn’t take any drags but I’ve got to be careful about burning his lips.”

PHILIP
“I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while … how do you keep your breath from smelling bad? Isn’t that hard to do in your situation?”

TONY
“Well first of all, I better keep it smelling pretty or no one’s going to want to talk to me or give me anything. I just take care of it, just like anything else. And believe it or not, the smoking helps too. Even when people don’t like the cigarette smell, they don’t go backing away from me, if you know what I mean.”

PHILIP
“Hey Tony, someone threw your stool into the garbage pail over there. He was just some regular guy. Me and another guy pulled it out and put it next to ‘your’ tree there.”

TONY
“Let me tell you, it happens all the time, Phil. You know, when you’re homeless, folks think that they can do anything they like with your property. It’s like we don’t even exist. ‘Course, then people wonder why homeless people stink after they gotta rescue their stuff from the garbage.”